Getting to Know the Elephant

In the last post the Elephant was a metophor used to describe our emotional side, or our feelings, that can motivate yet so easily overwhelm us. Focusing is an elegant way to befriend the elephant - to learn about it, and moreover, to use it for our benefit. This post was contributed by Focusing instructor, Joya D'Cruz. Here it is:

We are affected in small or big ways by every single experience we have.  We incorporate what we learn and transform constantly… most often unconsciously.  Sometimes we find ourselves in some form of discomfort or dissatisfaction. This could manifest in a physical or emotional way; it may affect our relationships or our work.  We are unable to access what we need to be happy or free. We may need to let go of a habit or an ineffective interactional pattern. We may long for help in a particular life situation or to ‘unblock’ a creative process. We may be suffering from the shadow of guilt, anger or grief. In all these instances, we just do not know HOW to do what we want to.

Focusing is a gentle and powerful way to listen to yourself, to access that ‘knowing’ and to find the inner resources to go where your life is leading you. Through the guidance of a Focusing trainer, you can engage with yourself and your issues and even realize the particular kind of help you need without merely following what the media, recent research, professionals, and loved ones suggest for you.  Practicing Focusing can feel like developing an emotional muscle, an inner sensor, or an intimate relationship with yourself.

When we adults maintain this connection to ourselves, we are better able to listen to our children’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, to what they say and to what they have no words for. Through simple suggestions and the use of language we can help them to develop their ability to know themselves better and to engage with their emotions through this inner body-sense in effective ways.  An organic change in behavior often arises when children learn to listen inwardly. In teaching children how to access their own resources, we not only give them the most reliable life tools, but we have an easier and more rewarding  experience as parents, educators and guides. 

For more information on Focusing see www.focusing.org

Or for Focusing with Children

http://www.focusing.org/chfc/index.html

If you wish to contact Joya for information or sessions on Focusing please do so at dcruzjoya@gmail.com

The Elephant and the Rider

Most of us can relate to the idea that our brain has two independent systems – the emotional one and the rational one. If you have ever overslept, overworked, eaten too much, skipped your exercise (or not started your exercise program at all), become angry and said something you later regretted, become depressed because your best friend said something very small but negative about you, tried to quit drinking and failed, or experienced any one of a million such scenarios, you have experienced a war of the rational and emotional systems (and lost to the emotional side). Jonathan Haidt, a University of Virginia psychologist, aptly names these two aspects the Elephant and the Rider.

To understand better what this analogy implies, visualize what Haidt describes as a 6-ton elephant, with a tiny rider sitting on top holding the reins and trying to guide the elephant. The rider tries to direct the elephant, but if the elephant decides otherwise, the battle is easily lost. On the other hand, if the elephant and rider agree on a direction, it makes for a very smooth ride. The elephant does indeed have strengths, often motivating and providing the energy needed to move in a certain direction. The question is, how does one keep the elephant from going off the path, or worse yet, completely taking over the rider.

“Clocky” is a tongue-in-cheek solution that an enterprising MIT student came up with – a clock that has wheels and runs away from you after the alarm goes off in the mornings, forcing you to run after it in order to turn it off. The elephant (your desire to sleep) is tamed by a tiny device (the clock) because it forces you to climb out of bed, waking yourself up in the process! Now the rider has a fighting chance to be in charge for the rest of your morning. Many of us, however, don't have or can't afford a clocky (at 50 bucks apiece) and have to come up with other creative devices to deal with our inner elephants.

A simple (not necessarily easy) way is to practicing taming your ANT's (Automatic Negative Thoughts). Imagine for instance, that you have started feeling a pain in your tooth. One way the elephant takes over is for you to start going, “oh my gosh, there must be something wrong, I must have a cavity, I'm going to need a filling or maybe a root canal...oh my GOSH...THAT”S GOING TO HURT, and HOW MUCH IS THAT GOING TO COST.” The pain gets worse, of course! Suddenly (in all of 2 seconds) your rider has fallen off, and he elephant has taken over. Contrast this with taking a second to observe...”hmmm.. my tooth hurts...wonder what that could be...” You may still conclude that you have a cavity, but in those few moments of self observation and non-reactivity, you have given your rider a fighting chance. Perhaps a new series of thoughts will emerge (I could take something for the pain and then call the dentist), or perhaps the pain will subside in a few minutes... and you can go on with the rest of your day. It takes practice, but yes, taming an ANT can help tame an Elephant.

More to come on Elephant and Rider scenarios and fixes...

What is Therapy? Musings from India

As I sit in a hospital room with my dad, having traveled several thousand miles to get here so that I can be here with him through his surgical journey, I find myself having a lot of time to think. Strangely, one of the things I find myself thinking about is therapy. I thought I had left my therapist self behind when I boarded the plane to come here – but one of the strange paradoxes of travel is that you can never leave yourself, or even a part of yourself, behind. Wherever you go, there you are!

So, being in a hospital, and hearing the word “therapy” or “treatment” getting thrown around a lot, I start to wonder – what exactly is therapy, and what exactly is it that I do? It is a simple question that I have been asked innumerable times, perfectly innocently, by many a friend or acquaintance, “So, what do you do?” It occurs to me that the reason I dread answering this question is because there is no simple answer.

Therapy is many things to many people. It is a place to talk to someone objective. It is a place people hope to find relief from their problems, and get some answers from someone they deem an “expert.” It is a place to vent safely. I believe therapy is all these things and more. But, in my musings, one thing stands out. Therapy is a space created by therapist and client, where one can be heard, but more importantly, one can hear oneself.

I do believe there is some benefit to be gained by going to someone who is “expert” at creating this type of space. There is also the benefit of going to a professional who is trained to provide a more objective and comprehensive, point of view. We all have our blind spots. Sometimes a therapist will give “homework” that can be incredibly helpful (if done). However, I believe that an essential component of that “therapy hour” is the space that is created for a client to hear their own voice and get in touch with their inner wisdom.

This space that is co-created by therapist and client is a dynamic space, where many possibilities exist. For a couple facing challenges in their relationship, this could provide an opportunity for dialogue that was not possible before. For others, the therapy space can simply help access the quiet space within, where problems can be reframed and unique solutions to situations can be found.

Alas, I have still not found a simple answer to the question, “so, what exactly is it that you do?” but in reflecting, I believe I have hit upon what it is that makes psychotherapy a unique way of finding solutions to our problems.

Meditation and Mental Health

Meditation. Many ideas and opinions exist about this ancient, mind altering, self-healing practice. It is often dismissed as that  “new age stuff,” or “that mystical stuff from the East (that you read about in Eat Pray Love).” 

In common parlance it may also be known as “hocus pocus.” This was the attitude of one our meditation group members, when she first decided to attend a group. She was not going to fall for it, but because she didn’t want to say no to her therapist, she came anyway. Much to her surprise it worked! Much like the 10 million Americans who meditate regularly, she came to recognize and value the benefits of this stress-relieving practice.

One of the things this group member has learned is that meditation can be practiced in a variety of ways. It does not necessarily involve sitting in a cross-legged position for hours on end, observing your breath in hopes of fleetingly experiencing that “aha” moment. Even 10 minutes of mindfulness meditation a day can make a difference. Moreover, there are also other, more active, techniques such as candle concentration, walking meditation, energy work, and guided visualizations.

This year, in our meditation series, we learned and practiced many such techniques. You get a lot of “bang for your buck” (by practicing these techniques) as one group member is fond of saying. While that may sound like crass commercialization of an ancient mystical practice, in my mind it does not reduce the value of meditation at all. All it means is that we can learn to use these techniques in a way that can be incorporated into our daily lives, and by doing so we can gain unique skills that do not require a large amount of time to practice. The regular use of meditation techniques can not only help in reducing anxiety and improving mood, but also reduce the negative effects that stress has on the body. Beyond stress reduction, multiple positive effects have been documented such as enhanced immune functioning, increased alertness, greater creativity, and enhanced empathy.

Next year’s plans for a meditation group are in the works. There are several options, including another series (4-6 group meetings), a day long retreat, a week long retreat (in India), and ongoing meetings to continue support and encouragement for each other’s meditation practice. Tell us of your interest and what might suit your lifestyle. What if the hocus pocus really is what it’s all about…