Home for the Holidays...and Beyond

   It’s been nice having our 18-year old back home for the holidays. I am also acutely aware that the pain of parting is in my near future. Christmas is traditionally the time in the United States when many young adults travel home for the holidays -- whether it be from college or from the place their job has taken them --and then a few days or a few weeks later, they leave again. That my 18-year old will be heading back soon, is a fact. 

     I can either focus on this fact or, to take a tip from the mindfulness class that I, myself, have been teaching, and focus on the present. Conversations around the dinner table, discussions in the car driving to family events, and late night movies and talks are all becoming part of our “home for the holidays” family rituals, with a young man who (fortunately) likes to talk and share. It is nice to also feel his comfort at being home, which isn’t always the case for young adults who experience the push-pull of independence vs. dependence. Stress free times are also hard to come by. I find myself enjoying the time with my young adult child, even as I hear the, now faint, tick-tock of the clock in the background.

     Yes, young adult child. You heard right. Young adults are still our children. Research has now verified what many parents have known all along - that the human brain doesn’t really develop fully until the age of 25, and sometimes not until 30. What is also a fact today is that many young adults are staying home longer. And, contrary to popular belief, this is not a bad thing.

     Karen Fingerman, a professor at the Universityof Texas, Austin, states that she was actively skeptical of the trend of more help flowing from parents to grown children in this generation. Does it really help? Or does it just encourage kids to remain kids for longer? This is what Fingerman found, “The fragile economy could exacerbate the phenomenon of delayed adolescence, keeping Americans in their late 20s and even early 30s dependent on their families for years.” However, despite her own initial bias, Fingerman’s research showed that young adults who receive support from their parents have a higher life satisfaction and report clearer goals.

     Another good read is Setterson and Ray's book, Not Quite Adults, on this same topic. Their message is clear also. That the new generation is staying dependent longer, but this is a good thing. Pew research shows that the generation gap the Woodstock era folks felt with their parents, appears to be a thing of the past, and may in fact, have been an anomaly in some ways.

     A recent AARP survey shows that parents and kids talk more often, get more “face time,” and even live together more often than the boomer generation. But the survey also showed that a significant number of parents (37%) feel negatively about this new trend. I wonder why? Widespread stereotypes that the young generation is selfish and apolitical, and just like to mooch off their parents, may be responsible.

     The good news really is that parents can stop worrying if their young adult child still depends on them for emotional, financial, or day-to-day support. Its not an abnormal thing and its good for both generations. Frankly, it all rings true from personal experience. While many of us wish our adult children to act as independent as possible, as early as possible, a lasting parent-child bond and ongoing parental support cannot be replaced and should not be underestimated.

     My adult child is home for the holidays,…and beyond… 3 more joyous weeks! Woo hoo for institutions that have long winter breaks! In the spirit of “how to eat a raisin” (Jon Kabat-Zinn), I intend to mindfully savor this favorable fact and reflect on this quote:

"There are two lasting bequests we can give our children: One is roots, the other is wings.”

Is There a Santa Claus?

        “Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus,” goes the famous line in the Sun editorial of 1897, written by Francis P. Church, who goes on to give an answer that is brilliant in its simplicity. And all in a days work, the story goes.

       Now I wish that I could say I received a question in the year 2012 from an 8-year old asking, “Is there really a Santa Claus?” But I would be lying. First, I haven't been writing blogs long enough to get those kinds of questions. Second, in 2012 the question would likely be Googled, not asked to a writer. So, the issue becomes a bit more complex and challenging. I’m going to tackle it by first asking a couple of questions. 

       Questions like, what is Virginia’s question really asking? What prompted Virginia’s letter to the Sun? One rendition goes something like this. It was Virginia’s birthday and she had received some gifts. Instead of enjoying her presents, she panicked, wondering if she was going to get any more gifts for Christmas. Some of her classmates were telling her that Santa Claus was a myth, which to an 8 year old could mean –“what, no presents?” So, Virginia decided to ask her father, who deferred the question to the Sun, saying, “If you see it in the Sun, its so.” Not a great parenting strategy, in my opinion, but it satisfied Virginia for the moment.  

        So, was Virginia really curious about whether or not Santa existed? Did she just want to know whether she was going to get cool stuff for Christmas? Or was she asking if there’s a magical way in which all of our wishes can get fulfilled? In the realm of magical wish fulfillment, I can see a couple of child psychologists calling the Sun’s answer, “dangerous stuff for young minds.” Would this create the idea that wishes can be fulfilled in magical ways by mystical creatures that travel in the middle of the night via uncanny means approaching the speed of light? You can see where a psychologist might not support the Sun’s response, and answer instead, “ No Virginia, there is no Santa Claus. Its just a story made up by your parents to make you behave. And parents, if you need to make up a story to discipline your kids, perhaps you should enroll in some parenting classes instead.” End of story, and Virginia’s innocence lands on the floor next to the Christmas tree with a resounding crash.

        Now, perhaps it is true that in the world of iPhones and Google, no child can really be as innocent as Virginia, and certainly no child is likely to be traumatized by finding out that Santa doesn’t really exist – at least not in the flesh and blood kind of way. So, is the question even relevant today? My answer to that is, yes, a thousand times, yes. As we find ourselves grappling with the dark side of human nature in the wake of the Sandy Hook tragedy, adults and children alike want to know the answer to Virginia’s real question – is there a reason to believe in the giving spirit, in the spirit of love and generosity? As we struggle with the reality that many children in our communities still live in poverty, and many parents continue to be unemployed or underemployed, yes, the question is more relevant than ever before.

        So, is there a Santa Claus? Or perhaps a better question for today would be, “who is the Santa Claus?” If Robbie Parker, the father of a Sandy Hook victim, with love and generosity in his heart, can challenge us to be compassionate toward all the suffering families, including the family of Adam Lanza, then is he the Santa Claus? Is Mr. Macy the Santa Claus for donating a million dollars in response to Santa mail from a million children? Is Jack Fagin, a Rotarian from Saline, who matches donations every year from other Rotarians to have children enjoy a Christmas shopping trip at Meijer, the Santa Claus? Is Mr. Meijer, who donated a $1000 toward the Fagin challenge this year, a Santa Claus? Are the Saline Area firefighters, paramedics, and friends who have over 800 toys ready for delivery to local families, the Santa Claus?

 

        Folks, I’ll leave it for you to decide. As for me, the correct answer is (e), all of the above. As long as there are Jack Fagin’s and Saline firefighters, and Mr. Meijer’s, and Mr. Macy’s out there, I can answer truthfully, as did the editor of the Sun, over a hundred years ago, “Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy.”

How to Help after a School Shooting

There are no words to quite describe the tragedy that took place at Sandy Hook Elementary in Newtown, Connecticut today. A tragedy that brought the president of the United States to tears, and to state, “our hearts are broken today.”

In the aftermath of the shooting we must handle our own reactions, which can range from sadness, to anger, to shock, to worry for our own children. It is also our task to help our kids process their reactions. Not all kids will show their reactions outwardly. It is important to ask what they have heard and how they feel.

The American School Counselor Association provides some simple guidelines for helping kids during crisis, http://www.schoolcounselor.org/content.asp?contentid=672, some of which I list below:

·        Try and keep routines as normal as possible. Kids gain security from the predictability of routine, including attending school.

·        Limit exposure to television and the news.

·        Listen to kids’ fears and concerns.


·        Reassure kids that the world is a good place to be, but that there are people who do bad things.


·        Assess your own response to the crisis

The last point is very important. Be aware of how you talk about the event and cope with the tragedy. Children learn how to react to the situation by watching your responses. Limit exposure to television images and news coverage. The graphic images and repetitive scenes can be disturbing for children.

Do talk honestly about the incident, without graphic detail, and share some of your own feelings about it. This can help your child open up as well. Listen to how they feel, and try to answer the questions they might have. For children who are too young to talk or don’t feel comfortable expressing their feelings through words, don’t be afraid to use expressive techniques such as play, art, or music.

When children do express their feelings or ask questions, acknowledge the frightening parts of the event. Be honest. It is okay to say you don’t know the answer to a question. Reassure them they are loved and will be cared for. If they remain concerned, encourage them to share their concerns about school safety with school personnel also.

If your child becomes preoccupied with the event, has sleep or eating disturbances, starts having nightmares or intrusive thoughts or worries, becomes focused on death or dying, or is having difficulty going to school, please take advantage of your community resources for mental health support. This support can be sought through the school counselor, your family physician, pediatrician, or a trusted mental health professional in the community.

The Pursuit of Having-ness

           …’tis the season. The season of Christmas, of Santa’s elves and reindeer bells, of carolers singing Silent Night and Christmas trees with colorful lights, of beautiful gingerbread houses and winning prizes. This is the season when the Christmas story is told over and over, reminding us of the simple way in which the Christ child came into this world. In other households, the story of Hanukkah reminds people of the miracle of the oil witnessed by the Maccabees.

           

And yet, it is also the season of Black Friday, Early Bird specials, and early, Early Bird specials. It is, what I call, the season of having-ness. I must admit to indulging in some of these guilty pleasures. Of shopping the Midnight Madness sales and gleefully finding treasures. Of sipping hot chocolate at Starbucks after a long night of downtown shopping. I am not alone, I find. According to some financial pundits, holiday spending is projected to return to pre-recession levels. The average shopper plans to spend $854 on presents this year, approaching the $859 that the average shopper planned to spend in 2007. Spending money, however, is not the only way we display our pursuit of having-ness.

            There are many other subtle, but pervasive, forms of having-ness. Are we having the best party in the neighborhood? Do we have the best cookies at the cookie-swap? Have we found the best present of the year for our children or grandchildren? Speaking of the “best” gifts, have you heard of the “Elf on the Shelf?” This toy, as I understand, is not only a “must have,” but now we have opened ourselves up to another level of having-ness. Because, you see folks, the elf does not just sit on the shelf. It moves around the house, doing naughty things, and this, of course, means having the greatest ideas on what those naughty gimmicks are going to be. And I’m not talking easy here folks. Some of these involve the elf having a marshmallow fight, or a feather pillow fight, or baking cookies and leaving a mess -- for mommies and daddies to clean up, of course. You get the idea…

            So, why is it that despite much evidence that having more does not contribute to being happier or more satisfied, we continue this pursuit of having-ness, season after season? Is this now the tradition? Or is it easier than figuring out what will actually make us happy? I can tell you, as someone who devours literature on happiness, it is indeed not straightforward to figure out what might actually make us happy. I mean, we have complex equations out there like H = S+C+V (from Jonathan Haidt, the Happiness Hypothesis), and then we have some simple (or is it simplistic) rules like “just act happy, it will make you happy,” (David Myers, Psychology Today). There’s even some research out there suggesting that pursuing happiness actually makes it harder to achieve happiness. Happiness seems to be more of a byproduct of doing certain things, perhaps engaging in certain pursuits. Generally, these seem to fall along the lines of exploring personally meaningful goals, engaging in social activity, and volunteering for worthy causes.

     

            Hmm.. maybe there is something worth pursuing after all this holiday season. Maybe there’s a way to get the best of both worlds, having-ness and happiness. The formula would seem something like this, SL(Shopping Less) = HMMTWLO(Having More Meaningful Time with Loved Ones). I will confess, in trying to honor multiple family traditions, not to mention keeping up with the deals and the delicacies out there, its hard to stay true to myself and the meaning of the season. But, its time to make a choice folks, and  I don’t know about you, but this year I might just pass on the deals and have a more relaxed holiday season. Pass the pie please, I’m having more…