How to Help after a School Shooting

There are no words to quite describe the tragedy that took place at Sandy Hook Elementary in Newtown, Connecticut today. A tragedy that brought the president of the United States to tears, and to state, “our hearts are broken today.”

In the aftermath of the shooting we must handle our own reactions, which can range from sadness, to anger, to shock, to worry for our own children. It is also our task to help our kids process their reactions. Not all kids will show their reactions outwardly. It is important to ask what they have heard and how they feel.

The American School Counselor Association provides some simple guidelines for helping kids during crisis, http://www.schoolcounselor.org/content.asp?contentid=672, some of which I list below:

·        Try and keep routines as normal as possible. Kids gain security from the predictability of routine, including attending school.

·        Limit exposure to television and the news.

·        Listen to kids’ fears and concerns.


·        Reassure kids that the world is a good place to be, but that there are people who do bad things.


·        Assess your own response to the crisis

The last point is very important. Be aware of how you talk about the event and cope with the tragedy. Children learn how to react to the situation by watching your responses. Limit exposure to television images and news coverage. The graphic images and repetitive scenes can be disturbing for children.

Do talk honestly about the incident, without graphic detail, and share some of your own feelings about it. This can help your child open up as well. Listen to how they feel, and try to answer the questions they might have. For children who are too young to talk or don’t feel comfortable expressing their feelings through words, don’t be afraid to use expressive techniques such as play, art, or music.

When children do express their feelings or ask questions, acknowledge the frightening parts of the event. Be honest. It is okay to say you don’t know the answer to a question. Reassure them they are loved and will be cared for. If they remain concerned, encourage them to share their concerns about school safety with school personnel also.

If your child becomes preoccupied with the event, has sleep or eating disturbances, starts having nightmares or intrusive thoughts or worries, becomes focused on death or dying, or is having difficulty going to school, please take advantage of your community resources for mental health support. This support can be sought through the school counselor, your family physician, pediatrician, or a trusted mental health professional in the community.

The Pursuit of Having-ness

           …’tis the season. The season of Christmas, of Santa’s elves and reindeer bells, of carolers singing Silent Night and Christmas trees with colorful lights, of beautiful gingerbread houses and winning prizes. This is the season when the Christmas story is told over and over, reminding us of the simple way in which the Christ child came into this world. In other households, the story of Hanukkah reminds people of the miracle of the oil witnessed by the Maccabees.

           

And yet, it is also the season of Black Friday, Early Bird specials, and early, Early Bird specials. It is, what I call, the season of having-ness. I must admit to indulging in some of these guilty pleasures. Of shopping the Midnight Madness sales and gleefully finding treasures. Of sipping hot chocolate at Starbucks after a long night of downtown shopping. I am not alone, I find. According to some financial pundits, holiday spending is projected to return to pre-recession levels. The average shopper plans to spend $854 on presents this year, approaching the $859 that the average shopper planned to spend in 2007. Spending money, however, is not the only way we display our pursuit of having-ness.

            There are many other subtle, but pervasive, forms of having-ness. Are we having the best party in the neighborhood? Do we have the best cookies at the cookie-swap? Have we found the best present of the year for our children or grandchildren? Speaking of the “best” gifts, have you heard of the “Elf on the Shelf?” This toy, as I understand, is not only a “must have,” but now we have opened ourselves up to another level of having-ness. Because, you see folks, the elf does not just sit on the shelf. It moves around the house, doing naughty things, and this, of course, means having the greatest ideas on what those naughty gimmicks are going to be. And I’m not talking easy here folks. Some of these involve the elf having a marshmallow fight, or a feather pillow fight, or baking cookies and leaving a mess -- for mommies and daddies to clean up, of course. You get the idea…

            So, why is it that despite much evidence that having more does not contribute to being happier or more satisfied, we continue this pursuit of having-ness, season after season? Is this now the tradition? Or is it easier than figuring out what will actually make us happy? I can tell you, as someone who devours literature on happiness, it is indeed not straightforward to figure out what might actually make us happy. I mean, we have complex equations out there like H = S+C+V (from Jonathan Haidt, the Happiness Hypothesis), and then we have some simple (or is it simplistic) rules like “just act happy, it will make you happy,” (David Myers, Psychology Today). There’s even some research out there suggesting that pursuing happiness actually makes it harder to achieve happiness. Happiness seems to be more of a byproduct of doing certain things, perhaps engaging in certain pursuits. Generally, these seem to fall along the lines of exploring personally meaningful goals, engaging in social activity, and volunteering for worthy causes.

     

            Hmm.. maybe there is something worth pursuing after all this holiday season. Maybe there’s a way to get the best of both worlds, having-ness and happiness. The formula would seem something like this, SL(Shopping Less) = HMMTWLO(Having More Meaningful Time with Loved Ones). I will confess, in trying to honor multiple family traditions, not to mention keeping up with the deals and the delicacies out there, its hard to stay true to myself and the meaning of the season. But, its time to make a choice folks, and  I don’t know about you, but this year I might just pass on the deals and have a more relaxed holiday season. Pass the pie please, I’m having more…