How to Help after a School Shooting

There are no words to quite describe the tragedy that took place at Sandy Hook Elementary in Newtown, Connecticut today. A tragedy that brought the president of the United States to tears, and to state, “our hearts are broken today.”

In the aftermath of the shooting we must handle our own reactions, which can range from sadness, to anger, to shock, to worry for our own children. It is also our task to help our kids process their reactions. Not all kids will show their reactions outwardly. It is important to ask what they have heard and how they feel.

The American School Counselor Association provides some simple guidelines for helping kids during crisis, http://www.schoolcounselor.org/content.asp?contentid=672, some of which I list below:

·        Try and keep routines as normal as possible. Kids gain security from the predictability of routine, including attending school.

·        Limit exposure to television and the news.

·        Listen to kids’ fears and concerns.


·        Reassure kids that the world is a good place to be, but that there are people who do bad things.


·        Assess your own response to the crisis

The last point is very important. Be aware of how you talk about the event and cope with the tragedy. Children learn how to react to the situation by watching your responses. Limit exposure to television images and news coverage. The graphic images and repetitive scenes can be disturbing for children.

Do talk honestly about the incident, without graphic detail, and share some of your own feelings about it. This can help your child open up as well. Listen to how they feel, and try to answer the questions they might have. For children who are too young to talk or don’t feel comfortable expressing their feelings through words, don’t be afraid to use expressive techniques such as play, art, or music.

When children do express their feelings or ask questions, acknowledge the frightening parts of the event. Be honest. It is okay to say you don’t know the answer to a question. Reassure them they are loved and will be cared for. If they remain concerned, encourage them to share their concerns about school safety with school personnel also.

If your child becomes preoccupied with the event, has sleep or eating disturbances, starts having nightmares or intrusive thoughts or worries, becomes focused on death or dying, or is having difficulty going to school, please take advantage of your community resources for mental health support. This support can be sought through the school counselor, your family physician, pediatrician, or a trusted mental health professional in the community.

The Pursuit of Having-ness

           …’tis the season. The season of Christmas, of Santa’s elves and reindeer bells, of carolers singing Silent Night and Christmas trees with colorful lights, of beautiful gingerbread houses and winning prizes. This is the season when the Christmas story is told over and over, reminding us of the simple way in which the Christ child came into this world. In other households, the story of Hanukkah reminds people of the miracle of the oil witnessed by the Maccabees.

           

And yet, it is also the season of Black Friday, Early Bird specials, and early, Early Bird specials. It is, what I call, the season of having-ness. I must admit to indulging in some of these guilty pleasures. Of shopping the Midnight Madness sales and gleefully finding treasures. Of sipping hot chocolate at Starbucks after a long night of downtown shopping. I am not alone, I find. According to some financial pundits, holiday spending is projected to return to pre-recession levels. The average shopper plans to spend $854 on presents this year, approaching the $859 that the average shopper planned to spend in 2007. Spending money, however, is not the only way we display our pursuit of having-ness.

            There are many other subtle, but pervasive, forms of having-ness. Are we having the best party in the neighborhood? Do we have the best cookies at the cookie-swap? Have we found the best present of the year for our children or grandchildren? Speaking of the “best” gifts, have you heard of the “Elf on the Shelf?” This toy, as I understand, is not only a “must have,” but now we have opened ourselves up to another level of having-ness. Because, you see folks, the elf does not just sit on the shelf. It moves around the house, doing naughty things, and this, of course, means having the greatest ideas on what those naughty gimmicks are going to be. And I’m not talking easy here folks. Some of these involve the elf having a marshmallow fight, or a feather pillow fight, or baking cookies and leaving a mess -- for mommies and daddies to clean up, of course. You get the idea…

            So, why is it that despite much evidence that having more does not contribute to being happier or more satisfied, we continue this pursuit of having-ness, season after season? Is this now the tradition? Or is it easier than figuring out what will actually make us happy? I can tell you, as someone who devours literature on happiness, it is indeed not straightforward to figure out what might actually make us happy. I mean, we have complex equations out there like H = S+C+V (from Jonathan Haidt, the Happiness Hypothesis), and then we have some simple (or is it simplistic) rules like “just act happy, it will make you happy,” (David Myers, Psychology Today). There’s even some research out there suggesting that pursuing happiness actually makes it harder to achieve happiness. Happiness seems to be more of a byproduct of doing certain things, perhaps engaging in certain pursuits. Generally, these seem to fall along the lines of exploring personally meaningful goals, engaging in social activity, and volunteering for worthy causes.

     

            Hmm.. maybe there is something worth pursuing after all this holiday season. Maybe there’s a way to get the best of both worlds, having-ness and happiness. The formula would seem something like this, SL(Shopping Less) = HMMTWLO(Having More Meaningful Time with Loved Ones). I will confess, in trying to honor multiple family traditions, not to mention keeping up with the deals and the delicacies out there, its hard to stay true to myself and the meaning of the season. But, its time to make a choice folks, and  I don’t know about you, but this year I might just pass on the deals and have a more relaxed holiday season. Pass the pie please, I’m having more…

The Gift of Counseling - II

In this holiday season, when planning your gifts, consider giving the gift of mental health counseling. Counseling can be obtained inexpensively, or at least, cost effectively, with a little forethought and investigation of your existing insurance resources. See my previous blog on The Gift of Counseling at http://www.stillwaterscounseling.blogspot.com/2011/12/gift-of-counseling.html.

Many people shy away from counseling, even though it is one of the most accesible ways to feel better, and even attain lasting happiness. Many misconceptions exist. For instance, "it won't help to talk about it," "I am strong enough to deal with it myself," etc. There is some stigma as well. Counseling is for the "mentally ill." This could not be further from the truth. While it is a fact that many people seeking counseling can be depressed, suffer from anxiety, or have another diagnosable "disorder," it is also true that many simply need help getting over a hump in their lives, or getting past a negative situation they might have experienced. While the practice of counseling is a form of art, best practices that are often used to help someone get from point A to point B are based on scientific theories and research. Counselors are often people with at least a Master's degree, if not a Ph.D..

Counselors often teach skills, such as stress management or reframing your thoughts, that help people move forward. Once acquired, these skills are yours to keep, as tools to help with other situations that might come along in life. Remember counseling could be the gift of a lifetime, or maybe even the gift of life itself, for yourself or your loved ones.

The Pursuit of Happiness

There is a lot of hype about happiness out there. From books proposing how to find true happiness like The Happiness Hypothesis and The Happiness Project, to one simply called Happiness. Any moment now I am expecting to find one called “One Minute Happiness”  written just to satisfy the consumer who wants happiness and wants it now!

Beyond the myriad one-minute solutions out there, there may be something to the formula that Haidt proposes in the Happiness Hypothesis. H=S+C+V where S is your biological set point for happiness, C are the conditions of your life and V are the voluntary activities you do. He says that some external conditions do matter and when possible it may be worth striving to gain those conditions that will make a lasting difference to our happiness. He also says that there are certain types of V or Voluntary activities that lend themselves to being happier. He specifically mentions those where the experience of “flow” can be found. These naturally occur when your strengths and skills are well matched to the type of activity you are involved in, but can also happen via other enjoyable experiences, social and otherwise.

It’s a formula, but not really. Haidt is clearly making the case that we do not have to be slaves to our S (biological set point). The pursuit of happiness is possible and indeed worthwhile, and although there are some directions that are more promising than others to pursue, each of us has still has to discover what the C and the V are for us.

Compare this to the views expressed by some other authors that we can be happy in the here and now, whenever we so choose. Its about finding out that our emotions are just waves on the surface of a vast ocean and happiness can be found if we can connect with the peace that lies underneath those waves. Sounds like we don’t need to strive after all, but instead just stay mindfully connected with the activities we are already doing.

So, which is it? Or could it be all of the above? Perhaps being more present and mindful in our daily activities, striving to improve our conditions of life, and engaging in activities that are enjoyable for us (work or otherwise) can all contribute to a sense of well-being. One thing is clear, simply having more does not create happiness. In the words of Jim Carrey, “I wish everyone could get rich and famous and everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that’s not the answer.”

The Gift of Counseling

If you have become aware of the need to seek outside help for yourself or a family member, you may be intimidated by the seemingly high cost of seeking personal counseling. In these times of economic stress, when all but our most immediate needs can be put on the back burner for lack of funds or the desire to save for a rainy day, the issue of cost becomes even more pertinent.  However, much as leaving a cavity unfilled can later become a larger problem, perhaps even requiring a root canal, emotional issues left unresolved can grow into a situation requiring more extensive (and expensive) intervention. It’s often wiser to meet the problem head-on while still in the early stages.  If the early stages have passed, there are still ways to get this help without losing your retirement savings. Some simple strategies can help you pay for the help while getting a bang for your buck.

To find out what counseling would cost you, the first place to start looking is your health insurance policy. Mental health benefits are provided by most major insurance companies. Your policy should tell you what benefits you have, and give you an idea of your out-of-pocket costs. Next you want to call your insurance company and get a list of counseling providers in your area. Much like doctors, you will probably pay less by going to a mental health professional who is “in-network” for your insurance company. While you are on the phone, it’s also a good idea to verify your benefits with an actual person.

Let’s say your insurance does not pay for counseling, or worse yet, have lost your job and insurance with it. Have courage! Many agencies have a sliding fee scale. You can get this information by calling your local Community Mental Health office. If you would rather seek out a specific therapist by referral or reputation, call their office and ask to speak briefly with the therapist on the phone before setting up an appointment. While on the phone, find out about any special fee rates they might offer. In fact, call a few different counselors to get an idea of who you think you might want to see, before paying a dime. Often the counselor who is the “best fit” for you can also be the most cost-effective, even if their fees are not discounted.

Continuing this proactive approach once you begin counseling can also result in significant cost savings, and ultimately make counseling affordable. For instance, go prepared for your first visit having thought about the specific information you want to share and the goals you would like to accomplish. Ask if the therapist assigns “homework” outside of the therapy hour. Doing recommended assignments can often shorten the course of treatment. Ask if you can call your therapist for a brief consult between sessions. Go prepared for every session, having thought through what you would like to share about the time in between sessions. In other words, make the most use of the time that you are paying for, and the fees….well, they won’t magically disappear, but you’ll certainly be getting your money’s worth.

This holiday season, consider giving the gift of counseling to yourself or a family member. Remember counseling could be the gift of a lifetime, or maybe even the gift of life itself.  In many cities the Chamber of Commerce sells gift certificates for use at local member businesses. Call you local Chamber of Commerce to see if gift certificates are available for the practice where you want to seek help.

The Reality of Student Stress

 Student stress is real and Saline Area School has been taking new initiatives to attend to it. A second community Screening of Race to Nowhere was held in Saline on Thursday December 1^st.
 

What do a Saline High School Climate Assessment, a Saline High School leadership retreat, and the film Race to Nowhere have in common? All of these seek to identify and find answers to a growing concern about student stress. Plus, all three events have happened in Saline recently. It is also of significance that all three have been sponsored by Saline Area Schools, which in addition to the goal of academic excellence is also taking a genuine interest in the overall well-being of its students.

The SHS climate assessment was completed in February 2011, via 8 focus groups of a cross section of SHS students and 2 trained facilitators from Still Waters Counseling. The results were delivered in April 2011 to the School Board. Students at SHS indeed feel a great deal of stress in many areas – academic, social, and personal. They want the school to be a warmer place, with more personal connections, and to have more adults they can turn to for help. This is a tall order, given the current economic climate and funding cuts from the state. Nevertheless, Saline Schools has responded to the needs expressed.

The Saline High School Leadership Retreat was held on November 17^th - a powerful event for the Saline community. Approximately 40 high schoolers, from several different student groups, got together at Liberty Media Center and attended a dynamic workshop on Servant Leadership. This was followed by discussion of common high school scenarios generated by students themselves. The topics were derived from a desire to seriously discuss bullying, stereotyping, and intolerance in any shape or form at the high school, and come away with specific ways to address them. To make the school one where every student feels safe and respected is a difficult challenge, yet this would be one step closer to reducing a major source of stress in high school. Student leaders at the Nov 17^th retreat seemed glad to embrace this task.

A brand new CDC study reporting on teen sleeping habits shows that 70% of high school students do not get at least eight hours of sleep on school nights. This statistic will probably not surprise any of the students at Saline High School, or any parent of a student at SHS. Between academics, extra-curriculars and part-time jobs, where is the time for 8 hours of sleep a night? Alarmingly, however, this new study also shows that teens with poor sleep habits are likely to take other risks associated with their health like consuming alcohol, using marijuana and tobacco products, and exhibiting poor eating habits. Now maybe those teens that sleep less are also the ones who would have engaged in negative behaviors anyway, but it does make sense that these negative habits could be a result of having to cope with a lot of stress.  

So should we be paying attention to the degree of stress students feel? Let’s consider these statistics: approximately 1 in 12 adolescents, ages 12 to 17, will experience a major depressive episode (SAMHSA, 2008). Moreover, almost 17 percent of high school students have seriously considered suicide, 16.5% have made suicide plans, and 8.5% had tried to kill themselves at least once (CDC, 2003). The film Race to Nowhere, screened once already at Saline High School, clearly depicts the link between stress and negative coping behaviors. A second screening is being held on December 1^st at Saline Middle School. A community discussion will follow. I say, yes, let’s pay attention to what our students are saying, let’s pay attention to student stress, and let’s all pay attention to our students’ needs – parents, teachers, administrators, and community members alike.

Student Stress: What Drives it and What can be Done

The film Race to Nowhere was screened at our very own Saline High School last night (October 13th). As a parent and as a psychologist who practices in Saline I felt this was a very significant event in the Saline Community. The film talks about the experiences of (primarily) school age children across the country and the stress they experience as they get into higher grades, and especially into high school. University educators, high school teachers, students, parents, psychologists all provide unique perspectives.

We have known about student stress for a long time. None of this is really new information. The power of the screening, however, is in bringing communities together to start this discussion, and this is what started to happen last night at Saline High School.

In a powerful exchange, one student in the film talks about how parents should not use the word “and” when a student is describing their accomplishments. For instance, “I’m getting straight A’s,” “and?” “I’m on the soccer team,” “and?” “I’m in National Honor Society,” “and?” “I’m in the marching band,” “and?”… The word “and” added on to the end of each accomplishment, basically diminishes the sense of accomplishment, and makes the student feel that they need to do more and more to “win the race.”

I would like to add that the words “but” and “should” also need to be avoided in a conversation with a school age child. When a child reaches out to a parent (or anyone else), all too often we start to minimize their feelings and offer solutions, saying things like “but think about it this way...” or “you should just....”

As some of the astute students pointed out last night, many are reluctant to talk about their stress and some don’t engage in this conversation at all, hiding it even from themselves. When our child does muster up the courage to come and talk with us, are we truly listening? If you find yourself using words like “but” and “should,” the answer is, probably not. Being listened to and heard is what many students really need. And, if you child or student is not speaking with you about the stress they are experiencing, don’t be afraid to initiate this conversation yourself.

As a parent, I know it is difficult. Our family has not been without struggles and we have, many a time, found ourselves being caught up in the race. As pointed out by a doctor from Philadelphia’s Children’s Hospital in the film, despite being an expert and even having written books about it, he struggles not to pressure his child constantly to achieve more and more. Even when we know the right thing to do, often it is hard to do the right thing. That is why I feel it essential that the discussion on student stress not end with last night’s screening of Race to Nowhere.

If you are a student, parent, educator, or simply a concerned community member, there are many ways you can become part of this conversation and keep it going. You can join a group like STRIVE (Students Re-investing in a Valuable Education) that brought this film to Saline High. You can join a group like Saline Alive (the Saline Area Schools Community Mental Health Committee) that highlights issues of stress, anxiety, and depression. You can also come to School Board meetings and speak about this issue. You can write to the local media and ask them to highlight this issue. You can organize another screening of Race to Nowhere in the community and invite others to come. If you live in a community other than Saline, you can talk with your school administrators about screening this film. The issue is complex and no one group or individual can come up with the answers. Action steps need to be thought out and implemented cohesively in order to have a real impact. Please do our students a favor and do not allow this discussion to end with last night’s screening. In the words of Styx, “don’t let it end this way”….